(Im)patiently waiting...

I hate talking about my feelings.
And if I have to introspect my feelings, I hate it even more.
And if that introspection makes me second guess the other person's feelings, you see a pattern here? yes, I HATE it with a passion.


I know I'm a chick and chicks are supposed to be all emotional and shit, but I don't like it one bit. Especially, if I have to ask a guy where the relationship is going or how he feels about me. Argh! It should be natural, easy and obvious. So I guess if I have to start thinking, wondering and devising all sorts of ways to find out what kinda situation I'm in, I'm probably not in that good a situation in the first place. Does *he* make it all worthwhile? Maybe yes, maybe no! But that's a different story altogether, one which we'll not dwell into right now.


But wait..Starting a new relationship is terrifying. We are all old enough to have experienced or witnessed that triage of broken romance. So what if in the beginning or a while into it, it's a little vague? Who wants to be that crazy girl who needs to know exactly what is going on the minute she meets a guy? You want to be the *cool-girl*, the girl who knows how to hang out and not be all demanding. The one who's aloof to her surroundings and just enjoys what she has. And ask questions later! That's who I always wanted to be. That's who I always was. The thing about that *cool-girl* is that she STILL gets her feelings hurt. She still reacts to how she's being treated. I wonder if its an in-built mechanism? Do men ever introspect their feelings over a bottle of beer? Or are women just more verbal about such things? She still hopes he'll call, wonders when she'll get to see him again, and if he's excited about being with her. I HATE that! 


Maybe this is just me, but my priorities seemed to have changed (growing older!) But now I don't want to be "sort of dating" someone. I don't want to be "kinda hanging out" with someone. I don't want to spend a lot of energy suppressing all my feelings so I appear uninvolved and mysterious. I WANT to be involved. I WANT to be with someone I know I'll see again because they have already demonstrated to me that they're trustworthy and sincere-and into me!
Call me a hopeless romantic, but I want the gravity defying love...crazy, stupid, love...a love that can bring me down to my knees...a love that I'd walk til the end of the world and back for! stand infront of a shooting bullet love...
I feel like an eternity has passed and that I've missed the bus. 
Like the ship of True Love has sailed on me.
Will I ever get there? To that all-knowing place? To the place that magically sweeps everyone off their feet? A place that is only a figment of my imagination right now.

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